Dear Liver (aka-largest internal organ),
Massage school has forced ‘health’ down my throat since day one, and I’ve resisted pretty well. But this past week, I’ve been studying the digestive system, and I learned all about little, amazing, you.
You do so much, you crazy son of a bitch! (over 500 functions!)
And most importantly: you “detoxify numerous toxic substances such as alcohol, nicotine, and other poisons into non-toxic materials.”
I thought about it. I’ve kept you REALLY busy. You could have been inside of someone who never smokes, or drinks, or takes medications. Someone who didn’t try every new amazing diet pill that hit the market. (Oh man! Remember the Metabolife/Hydroxycut days?) Basically, everything unnatural I’ve done, tried, or used, you’ve had to take the fall for. There you are, producing bile…storing vitamins, dutifully storing and breaking down glucose & hemoglobin..and WHOA WHOA WHOA we’ve got another Long Island Iced Tea coming ***!!!!, ah shit we’re back up again gotta produce some amino acids…throw in some blood plasma proteins *** HOLD UP got some nicotine to to detoxify… CHUG CHUG CHUG, oh lovely an energy pill!!!! Yeah that’s what I needed today, some ephedrine!!!
So I’d like to formally apologize: You deserve better. I’m gonna start changing some things. You’ve done a great job all this time, wouldnt it be nice to have an easier life?