Never Marry a Man who has No Friends

The NY Times recently ran an article titled “An Ideal Husband,” based on Father Pat Connor’s “Whom Not to Marry” lecture, which he’s given to high school seniors for the past 40 years.

So what does a celibate man who spent decades counseling marriages, and is not trying to sell you a book, have to say about choosing the right partner?    A few highlights:

“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? ….

 This was great to read, especially since it’s the first time I’ve seen this in print.   I have experience in this particular field, and in my opinion, my brother in Christ just dropped some of the truest 411 ever.   When a person has no close bonds with others, there’s usually more going on there than “independence,” “being too busy,” or whatever excuse is offered.

“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.”….

“Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?….

I just had a revelation.  Check it:  The ‘man of mystery’ who seems so sexy and …mysterious … at the beginning, is the same guy who drives you crazy a few years down the road for being ‘secretive.’   And ‘secretive’ goes so well with “fibber.”  And “control freak.”  And…misery.

I believe the main idea expressed here is :   core personality traits matter.  A lot.  More than the initial way a person makes you ‘feel.’  The butterflies, infatuation, and sexual attraction are great, but to continue feeling so ‘good,’ you better agree with the foundation of this person too.

Yeah…common sense…but….not like the movies at all.   That idea of ‘romance,’ which leaves one starry-eyed and hopeful.. is a tough habit to break.

 Or not?



See also:  Never Trust a Woman Who Has No Girlfriends

Never Trust a Man Wearing Italian Leather Shoes

32 Comments Add yours

  1. ballsdanglin says:

    this was wriiten by a broad or a homosexual! that man with no friend is problably an independant thinker & he doesn’t need friends to stoke his ego he problably doesn’t even want to marry. friends come and go, 99.9% are fake as hell and only around when they want something. your husband is suppose to be forever! but due to the girlyman poiliticians that gave their power to their women, marriage don’t work today. very few stay married. you should have wrote never marry a woman with male friends. it doesn’t make any sence for a man to get married in america. you have to much to lose. women are and always will be wishy washy because most of you wimpy men spoil them to death. and you wonder why she wont give you none! i beat that man with no friends gets more pussy that you!

  2. 79sparrows says:

    If you think about it, it is perfectly healthy to have more than one relationship going on at a time.
    Do you know what I mean?

  3. Excellent site, keep up the good work

  4. I’m so glad I found this site…Keep up the good work I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say GREAT blog. Thanks,

    A definite great read.. 🙂


  5. Mathew says:

    Well I am a guy (With no friends) as I believe they are not necessary. I have lived a long enough time with out any friends to know I can get along and be happy with out any. And if that is hard for some of you to understand well that’s a problem you have with needing friends. Of course I have work colleagues that I am friendly with (But only in work!) As of course if it is necessary to work with them it is necessary to get on well with them. And now I say I have a girlfriend and I treat her well as she deserves to be treated well. And I can say right now…If she goes on to marry me (Hopefully she won’t see this stupid artical) and come up with a reason not to marry me. As I was saying, If she goes on to marry me, I will always be faithful and good to her and always do anything I can for her as long as it’s reasonable!!! AND because I have no friends (Don’t get me wrong I don’t want any) SHE alone will be the center of my world. If that is not GOOD well some of you can not see that she is and always will be the most loved woman in the world. So how can I be so sure that I will always be faithful to her in this modern CrAzY World? You ask.. Well I love, respect and cherish her and I wish she would be the same to me in our life together as if that is the case we will go on to live happily ever after. So I would like a chance to prove your artical wrong and it is my wish that you contact me in the year 2050 to see how things are going… God Bless

    1. Lloyd Smith says:

      I agree with you. I had friends and they are only there for them self. I no alot of people but they are not my friend. I have had some but they are dead now.

  6. Ihatebernbrochu says:

    I dated a man who had no friends and he was a fuckin loser..totallya gree

  7. 79sparrows says:

    🙂 I feel ya brochu. Time has passed and I still agree with this article 100%

  8. Ihatebernbrochu says:

    AND you have to wonder why a man has no friends? WHY can’t he connect to people.

    Sure I like being loved, but when you make someone the CENTER of your world what happens when that person leaves it?

    You end up with a STALKER. BOTH men that I dated who had NO friends, couldn’t accept me dumping them.

    They both put me through guilt trips…as if guilting someone is a way to get them back?

    Like what the fuck???

    I couldn’t carry on a good conversation with either of my “friend less” boyfriends…One was obsessed with sex and the other was obsessed with cars…

    When I dumped the second one, he stalked me for months until I got the police after them…

    A guy with NO friends means he will become a LEACH and have NO life outside of the relationship…and if that relationship ENDs, his life is DESTROYED…


    Really though…NO friends usually translates into NO life and being “dependent” on someone to provide you with a “life”

    1. Cat says:

      I really see your point and wrote the article below- see Cat. It is very wearing to be with a man who cannot start his life anew with someone new because his life is destroyed by his ex girlfriend… Yes, they do live their lives through you and this can be very draining to say the least. I do not think it is fair for the girlfriend to be the only one in his life- it is very co-dependent and demanding.

    2. Anonymous says:

      Wow, what an ignorant generalization. You automatically assume that just because someone has not friends, he has no life. Nothing could be farther from that. Maybe he is just selective about his friends, the way bimbos like you are supposed to be selective about their men ?? Maybe he is focused on his work and doesn’t have time to shoot shit and do unproductive things with people who don’t really care about him. In case you haven’t noticed, its not really easy to find good friends in this day and age, when people are so materialistic and selfish. Maybe he truly is a nice guy, but he has been backstabbed so many times that he has been disillusioned by the idea of friendship. You, as someone who is supposed to care for your boyfriends, should have helped them out. Instead, you just judged and ridiculed them and tried to look for an easy escape. And you think you are the ideal girlfriend ?? No freaking way.

      I have very few friends that I actually hang out with, and I can tell you, I am in no way boring or lifeless. I am occupied with so many things in my life, I never act clingy or desperate around girls. Everybody is not of the same ilk. Stop being a judgemental a-hole and have some compassion.

  9. captain says:

    99.999% of you are not worth marrying. Your “losers” are really…. YOU.

    1. 79sparrows says:

      hehehe glad to see you loved the post!
      come back again sweetie. 🙂

      1. Anonymous says:

        There should be an article out there that says “Never marry a woman who doesn’t cook or clean”, that should be a mantra for men everywhere.

      2. MB says:

        Why don’t you write one ?

  10. opinion says:

    lol if u have no friends, deal with it! tough shit! dont expect some hot popular girl to come along and want u!! lmao! how can u think u can live through someone else. u will sink even lower if u try that ha ha

  11. Sands says:

    Not all people who lack friends are ‘fibbers’ & ‘control freaks’. Some people lack friends for all sorts of reasons and more often than not it is a reflection of a judgemental society.
    Lets face it, most groups of friends are ‘controlled’ by an Alpha male or Queen B. When threatened & insecure the Alpha or QB will target / bully a member on the fringe of their group of friends. This leaves the target sometimes traumatized socially. Lacking confidents they withdraw from other friends fearing further rejection.
    Others may have experienced violent abuse as children from family members which makes them distrustful & unwilling to engage.
    Then there is autism spectrum. It is suspected that the vast majority of people with some level of Autism have never been diagnosed.
    Mostly people are miss understood & are quickly judged with out the facts. All some people need is to be understood and given a chance.
    Please be more considerate.

  12. Seniors says:

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  13. Hey! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?
    There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thanks

    1. MB says:

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  14. Cat says:

    Interesting… trying to stay neutral but see both sides. Nice to have a man who has some friends but then not friends who badly influence him. Also nice to have a man where you are the center of his world as his partner but then who was his partner before you if he is older? Ever think of this?… I am currently in a relationship, the beginning of a relationship, with a man whose ex partner was the center of his world and his best friend. He had no other friends. She actually called all the shots and left him after she lost a lot of weight and felt she wanted a more materialistic life than he wanted and to live in a fancier place… She went from her family home to his home at about 28 and never lived on her own until she left him. She was the center of his world… Now why am I bringing this up, or her?, because it is very hard to form a strong bond with a man who already gave his heart or world to another woman who left him and now I have her leftovers and his broken heart to deal with. When men do not have other friends or outlets to turn to to get support or some kind of emotional release other than their last girlfriend in this case (one of 14 years), it is really hard for them to form a strong bond with the new woman… I would not recommend this type of guy, esp. when he always talks about his ex and how he is not over her because she was the center of his world. As the new woman in his life, I can tell you that it takes your sexual stimulation and feelings of love down by at least 40%…. I actually feel like dating other men who are more outgoing and interesting and do not live in the past with their ex girlfriend(s) who appear to be ghosts lingering in their hearts and minds because they were their only friends. I do not recommend dating or being with a guy who has no friends and who can’t seem to get over his ex girlfriend(s) who were his life before the new woman came along… I highly recommend these types of guys to go to counseling and not be in denial about their social skills lacking and shy complex.

    1. MB says:

      Your comment still resonates with me. I was wondering if the dude u referenced ever came to his senses?

  15. Jay says:

    Nah, you know, throughout my life I’ve always had at least one friend at a time, or more, depending on the time period, and what age I am, and how social of a the setting my life actually is, at that present moment. Listen up, if your logic were correct, I’d be married right now, and the divorce rate would be down, because like it or not, “loners” as they call them are in the minority, so then, why does the majority get divorced, hmm? In the end its just another guy/gal ramming their opinion down everyone throat, in which, stop and give them the time of day. And then there’s those bitter broads who enjoy the miserable company of other bitter broads who go on about everyone, but themselves, having no life, hmm sounds like they mite be self absorbed, yeah? Why spread the negativity? I don’t get it. I mean we could always turn this article around and say that girl without any friends are clingy, controlling, and often time bipolar, or maybe their just backstabbers who gossip a lot, but that would be a very unfair statement to make about women. I mean, really we’re supposed to take this guy’s opinion at face value that you speak of because has a paper that says he qualified to run your life? I mean this guy could be having sex with his female patients and breaking home from time to time, just to get some on the side, we don’t know his agenda, then again, he could just be speaking from experience and referring to testimony from past patients. Ultimately, no one reading this blog has actually met this guy and knows him well enough to determine what his agenda actually is. He could be trying to help people, or he could be running a political smear job simply for some kind of personal gain he managed to rationalize in his own mind. But here’s some real advice, do what you think is best for you, don’t let anybody’s opinion paint a picture unless that opinion has evidence to back it up, when in relation to YOUR PERSONAL experience. No relationship has a one size fits all approach, they’re unique to certain a extent, rather they be for better or for worse, but in the end its YOU who got to use the brain on your shoulders to make the final call. If you can’t think for yourself, than you mite as well pack your effing bags and go, because that relationship will be doomed from the get go.

    1. MB says:


      THANK YOU for your awesome response.

      Here’s something funny. I wrote this blog post in 2008. Fast forward, I’m engaged to an amazing man who HAS NO FRIENDS.
      Ironic huh?
      It’s like God is laughing at me.

    2. Lloyd Smith says:

      I totally agree

  16. Anonymous says:

    Wow, the proper Christian thing to say would have been ‘If you like a man, and he has social problems, help him through it’, instead, this ignorant father is like ‘avoid men with social problems, they are incapable of giving or receiving love’. How petty and hateful !! What happened to being with someone “for better or for worse” ?? Isn’t that a wedding vow or something ??

  17. MB says:

    UPDATE: AUGUST 23, 2015
    I wrote this blog many years ago and should amend based on my current life. Many of you have made some great points about relationships and friendships. For the record I have married a man who does not have many friends. He is a man of great character.

    But I think having close friends would truly enhance his life.

  18. Vicky Boyer says:

    Hey, I’m here for a reason! You’re such a great writer and connector of people. Everyone should have at least some friends or what are they here for?

    Com’on people let’s all be friends, even the ones who don’t want any. I hated the show Friends though so ridiculous. Anyways…..gosh what a day to have some friends to smoke a nice j with and share feelings about life with, commiserate with.

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